Dating is a great way to get to know others and at the same time learn about ourselves. I have many friends that call it a game. Some of those friends are playing for keeps, others like myself are playing for fun, or casually dating. This game if played right can really affect our future relationships and marriage.
Many people have different mindsets when it comes to dating. Some fixate on an individual and almost put themselves in a relationship just to see how it plays out. Others take the idea of going on casual dates with many people. It is really like a broad survey vs. a detailed study. While there are different views on the subject, the process of dating and steps toward marriage are the same.
The first step is simply dating. This is the casual step. The process of learning what you like or dislike about those who we take on dates. And also about how we interact with both groups. In this step we find the beginning of the three T’s to knowing someone; Together (shared experience), Talk (mutual self disclosure), and Time. Dating starts with being together, not a lot of talk or disclosure happens and very little time is involved at this point.
The next step is Courtship. In Courtship we become exclusive with our partner. We begin to have even more togetherness or shared experiences which leads to an increase in Talking or self disclosure. And Time begins to be a factor in the process, not that we spend more time together(which we likely are) but long term time. “We have only been dating for 5 months? Time has flown by.” Some researchers believe that courtship and the next step, engagement should last one to two years.
Engagement, the final testing period. We’ve made the commitment. Now it is planning and truly making sure that we are ready for the big commitment. Then the final step, tying the knot and getting married.
So what about dating affects the final step in the process? If dating and marriage are at least a year apart what matters so much?
One thing we discussed in a class is R.A.M, or the Relationship Attachment Model (see picture). In this model a healthy relationship is no category is on the same level but each is lower than the one to the left. When I first saw this I was a little surprised. It makes sense to me but I feel popular culture does not point to this model. A Healthy relationship according to Dr. John Vann Epp, creator of this model, is as the image shows. I feel that a typical pop. Culture relationship has a high level of touch which would also bring the commitment to a high level but the other sliders would remain at a lower level, especially Know. An example of this is cohabitation, the common thought it is a good way to test if you are compatible with one another. However, this obviously increases the level of touch and gives a false level of commitment, the couple normal still lives separate lives despite the fact of them living together.
Dating and Marriage are very much connected. If we take the right steps towards marriage practicing healthy relationships We can nearly predict what will happen and how our future marriages will play out.
Comments