The purpose of parenting is "to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world in which they will live" (Michael Popkin, PhD). Parenting and family life is a complex concept. There are a variety of factors that can have an affect on many different outcomes for the family, marriage, or the children. When I reflect back on my childhood and the things my family did and compare it to the way things were before I was around the family, or even now as a college student living at home, it isn’t completely different, but there are some changes that have occured. Some of these changes are a great improvement, others aren’t in the direction I would like. The changes simply happen due to the stresses of life, having seven kids in one house is a lot to manage. With seven kids to manage, I continue to be baffled with how my parents kept up with all of us without going completely insane.
Now I’m not saying my parents are the greatest parents ever to walk the earth, but I feel like all six of my brothers and sisters have turned out pretty good so far. With my older brothers and sisters, we talk about how different the rules and family culture were when they were little. They grew up with a more monarchical rather than democractic parenting style. Monarchy in terms of parenting makes for a similar relationship as a king to a servant. The relationship asks for obedience, and compliance. This parenting style comes from the time of kings and rulers, it is easy to have a parenting style that matches that of the community. So in a country like the US, it is the culture of having a democratic parenting style. This doesn’t mean that majority rules in decisions but that there is a culture of mutual responsibility, cooperation and respect. In having a level of mutual respect there is less command and obey as there would be in a monarchy, and more discussion and joint decision-making.
A parent-child relationship is still a normal relationship. It takes work in the relationship for either end to develop desired qualities. If the parents act like a king and queen, their child could easily learn to be very obedient. They may not learn to be very independent but they could have a high level of obedience and compliance to those in leadership. Conversely in a democratic relationship the children could learn independence and how to share their thoughts, but may learn that they can bend rules and not be perfectly obedient. Doctor Popkins further discusses this topic by sharing the chart found below about needs and different approaches, not in the sense of helping a child to develop specific qualities but it explains how certain human interactions may guide certain behaviors.
In this chart Popkins illustrates that if a child is seeking undue attention through being obnoxious or wanting a high level of human touch or interaction when not appropriate, the desire the child has is personal contact or a sense of belonging. Thus a good parent approach is to offer more human contact and opportunity for contributions. My parents run a dance studio so we danced a lot growing up (human contact) and we did a lot of the behind the scenes work for all the shows and other events that the studio was involved with. Although the stress of all the studio work was really pressing upon the family, it definitely was a source of belonging and togetherness for my family and me.
Contact and belonging is only one of the sections in Popkin’s chart. Feel free to think about the other four and how present or not present they were in your childhood as well as in your current family situation.
Parenting and raising a family is a huge responsibility, but I think it is extremely rewarding. I’m grateful for my family and the way I grew up and hope to be able to share what I’m learning with my future spouse and kids.
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