Communication is a big part of every relationship we have from husband and wife to children playing games together. These relationships practically hinge on the idea of good communication. It is okay to argue and disagree, as long as we learn to do it in a non aggressive manner. To argue doesn’t mean that we fight and bicker and shoot at one another. It is simply a debate of two differing opinions.
The E.A.R of good communication stands for Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect. We can use this tool to learn about three of the ways to defuse disagreements or help resolve personal conflicts.
Empathy, by definition, is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” (oxford dictionary). By understanding another’s feelings we can find truth in their statements leading us to agree; thus creating a base for the conversation and disarming ourselves for a better discussion.
The disarming technique of empathy is finding truth in a statement, through acknowledging and summarizing, and continuing to ask gentle questions to further understand their feelings. For example, in the event of a divorce sometimes one party is more hurt than the other and it can lead to heavy arguments or pointing blame for ruining the family they had. In order for this to work we must let down our guard and be open. It may be hard, but stating and accepting that proceeding with a divorce affected the family can deeply affect the attitude of the person pointing the blame. This is where the questions come in to further understand each other’s thoughts and feelings.
Next, be assertive with how we express our thoughts and feelings of what happens in events or situations that involve the other person. The four phrases we can make start with identifying the when and the event. The second is how we felt during the event. Followed up with what we think because of our feelings. And lastly, suggesting a solution “I would hope that we could...”
Simple example
- Situation/Event: When you pointed out my mistake in front of the family
- Emotion: I felt very embarrassed and a lack of support that I should have from you.
- Thoughts: I thought that you wanted to make me feel that way on purpose.
- Correction: I would hope that we could find a way to not correct each other publicly.
Assertive statements are easily talked about rather than practiced. This week I talked to two of my sisters and little brother about this. We tried practicing with each other, and it was quite funny trying to come up with these statements in an easy and direct way. My teacher suggested trying to practice by writing statements to use or just get the concept in our mind.
And the last is Respect. This is simply conveying warmth, care, and a level of respect for each other. A massive portion of how we communicate is not in words. The use of words really only covers 14% of what we express, our tone of voice is 35%, and non verbal is 51%. It is crazy to think how much communication we have without even speaking. Thinking of respect along with the ways we communicate can greatly impact the initial mood of a discussion before we even speak.
Having Empathy, being Assertive, and maintaining respect are three simple ways that we can better communicate with our loved ones. This higher level of communication takes practice, but will result in an increase in relationship resilience and a stronger family in times of crisis.
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