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Safe, Close, and Warm

In previous blogs the discussions of gender differences and marriage have been addressed. In Marriage the differences in gender most definitely apply to sexual intimacy. This special level of intimacy revolves around the idea of feeling Safe, Close, and Warm with our intimate partner. These feelings can easily be the reason for having sex, whether that is a desire to have and share those feelings, or expressing the feelings already present.

If we take these feelings and look at them through the view of each gender we will find different ways they are expressed. The man often will feel the desire to be safe, close and warm with his spouse. That desire is achieved through being sexually intimate with his spouse. The way a man achieves these feelings does not mean that all a man really wants is sex, but that in those moments he feels a very high level of that desired closeness.

Now that same closeness is not achieved in the same way for women. They are quite the opposite. Women desire that special intimacy after they have the safe, close and warm feeling. Upon having those desired feelings, she can express them with her spouse in the manner of a sexual relationship. After expressing those feelings that will build the man's feeling and in return the women’s feeling can grow. These growing feelings through sexual intimacy can easily help a couple achieve a positive cycle of continually getting closer to one another. However, this is not the only difference between a man and women on a sexual level. The feelings of safety, closeness and warmth are only one important aspect of being sexually intimate.

With those feelings being only one factor, do we see how complex this can all be? The complexity comes from a wide range of differences. These differences include the arousal and response cycle, body clocks and ages, hormone levels, and sex drive and build up. I won’t go into details, but knowing these things can help us understand and prepare ourselves for those moments of special intimacy with our spouse or future spouse.

Having these special moments with complete fidelity will only build to the relationship. But what about the sad moments of infidelity? Any type or level of infidelity will deeply affect the safety of the relationship, the closeness of the couple, and the joy and warmth of being together. With those core feelings negatively affected is it possible to rebuild a relationship? Yes, many couples affected by infidelity report that they stayed together, and some of those couples report having a better relationship than before.

Infidelity is a serious issue. Infidelity does not just include being unloyal on a sexual level, although it is probably the most publicized. In a discussion led by a marriage and family therapist I learned that there are four types of infidelity. 1. Fantasy 2. Visual 3. Romantic and 4. Sexual. These four could be independent of each other or start as a build up from one to another.

Fantasy is exactly what it sounds like. It is simply daydreaming of what another relationship could be like could be a real individual they are thinking of or simply what life could be like with a “better” version of their spouse. This is not quite as severe as other types of infidelity but it will lead to an emotional detachment from loved ones.

Visual infidelity is a physical detachment. This type often refers to the use of pornogrphy which we know can easily tear down a family and marriage. But it does not always include a computer screen. This could refer to one simply spending more time and energy with another even if there is not an romantic attachment to the other person. Doing this simply is flirting with the next type.

Romantic is similar to that of visual and fantasy except there is a romantic attachment to another person. This could be thoughts of being this person to the point that it becomes a distraction or the spouse begins to spend more time and energy with another person digitally or physically.

And last but definitely not least is sexual infidelity. A true devastation to a marriage. Those special moments and feelings have been shared with another. Losing those feelings can truly be heart wrenching for some individuals.

All is not lost. A Family can rise above such devastation, and a couple can regain that desired safety closeness and warmth of intimacy. We need to open with one another within the relationship and learn from mistakes and learn how as a couple how we can be prepared for future troubles and trials.

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